In working with moms and dads who long to understand their kiddos’ big, bold, strong-willed spirits, I have been seeing a handful of common themes emerge that keep tripping these parents up. Here are 3 of the most prevalent ones, along with some suggestions for what to do instead.
I wish I could take a magic wand to eradicate these “mistakes” — although there really are no mistakes in life; only experiments and experiences filled with trial and error.
Still, I want to call attention to some roadblocks I’m seeing to give parents relief and a new way to move forward.
Because, unfortunately, I don’t actually have magical powers to make these roadblocks disappear, and parents deserve all the guidance and fresh perspectives they can get when it comes to understanding a complex spirited child.
So I thought I’d share what I’m seeing as the 3 most common roadblocks parents of spirited kids are encountering. In case anyone else out there is feeling the same kind of confusion as a result of approaching their kiddo in the same way, be sure to check out some of the different approaches I share that you can try instead, which ought to be more proactive and get you better results at home.
With a little awareness, I think parents will start to catch themselves and change tactics when they realize they’re hitting, or creating, these roadblocks:
- Blaming themselves.
- Suffering in silence.
- Consulting Dr. Google.
Let’s dive into each one to see why they’re not working and what you can do instead.
1. Blaming Themselves for Their Child’s Behavior
Parents are under a ton of pressure and judgment these days to make “perfect” kids.
The pressure and judgment are real, and they’re palpable, even in today’s world where we’re being constantly reminded to accept all people regardless of how they choose to live their weirdass lives.
No judgment here! Fly that freak flag, by all means!
Nevertheless, if our kids are sassy, stubborn or strong-willed, we tend to get embarrassed when they act out, especially in public.
We get ashamed, and we usually rake ourselves over the coals for the way our children express themselves. Even more so when our MIL or another mom at the playground mumbles something like, “You let your kid talk to you like that?”
Gulp.
Don’t we have something to do with our kids’ behavior, though, you’re probably asking? Absolutely. A thousand percent. Parents hold a ton of responsibility, being the main influences that shape their children’s lives and attitudes.
Our kids do model us, after all. So, of course we need to check ourselves and our behaviors to consider what kind of example we’re setting for them, and to examine what values we’re teaching them.
But sometimes even the most expert parents are gobsmacked by their child’s sudden burst of emotions, their extreme anxiety and fear of a particular person or situation, or their fits of red-faced rage.
While nature and nurture both play a role, consider that there may be other energies at play as well. And, perhaps, even your child’s spirit-self who’s got an entirely different agenda from what you’ve got planned for them.
But when our ‘lil boo is melting down in the grocery store, again, or when they don’t get invited to the birthday party because they’ve boldly insulted another friend at school, we jump to the defensive.
We assume our child’s…um…off-putting presentation…must be because we, as parents, have been ‘doing parenting wrong’ this whole time, and that we’re just failures.
You can see where this approach might be pointlessly self-defeating?
Moms and dads who slip into defensiveness and self-blame are literally giving their power away.
They’re twisting the value of “taking accountability” into something that’s actually more like “claiming victimhood,” which is kind of a sniggly-snaggly way of simply giving up.
Whatever is happening in your household just is what it is. Try to accept that and move onward, from a place of proactivity and empowerment, rather than reactivity and powerlessness.
Instead of setting some unrealistic parenting target no one could ever meet, repeatedly missing it, and then blaming yourself in victim mode, try this:
- Trust that you are doing an amazing job as a parent. (The fact that you’re even sitting there reading this is a testament to how invested and devoted you are to your kiddo!)
- Remember: parenting is hard, period, no matter who you are. But you, my friend, are up to the challenge. (If you weren’t, that beautiful, bold soul you’re raising wouldn’t have chosen you to get born to!)
- Give yourself a break. Your kiddo’s big, bold spirit is no one’s “fault.” Not yours; not theirs. Consider the possibility that it’s actually a gift that will pay dividends in the future if you learn to nurture it!
- Know that your ‘lil boo came into this world with a beautifully complex combination of energetic traits that, though they may be getting used clumsily right now, you can help them learn to wield with grace, radiance, and as transformational forces that will support the highest good for all in the future.
2. Suffering In Silence
Another thing I see parents doing, which I’m also guilty of myself and which is also disempowering, is that we hop onto social media and watch the highlight reels.
We see all those cute photos of our friends’ families as they’re posed in front of the Magic Kingdom, or as they’re all wearing matching Christmas PJ’s in front of their dazzling tree and their cozy fireplace.
And what happens? We assume everything is easy for them. Ideal. Flawless. Perfect.
We immediately slip into comparisonitis, jealousy or feelings of failure for not being able to pull together the same kind of joyful portrayal of our families that we, too, can share on the socials.
Maybe it’s because our spirited kid was too busy slamming their bedroom door to jump into the Christmas photo that year.
Or perhaps we don’t have evidence of the joyful moments because our wee one disappears every time the camera comes out — even if (or especially because!) Mickey Mouse is waiting to hug them.
Or maybe we don’t have a frameable pic to share from our summer vacation because at least one family member seems to always be mid-ugly-cry over yet another argument that was caused because someone wouldn’t put their damn shoes on.
Here’s the thing. Everybody thinks nobody wants to talk about this.
Why? Because admitting you have a PIA child is grotesquely taboo in our culture. It’s, like, against the laws of parenting or something.
It makes us sound like unloving, heartless, pre-Industrial Revolution-era people who only had babies so there could be more workers on our farm.
Which isn’t true, obviously. I write this piece from inside a big ol’ bubble of hearts and love. I honor all beings. Each child is a divine source of infinite love and radiance.
We are all weird PIA’s!
In all seriousness, though, it doesn’t always feel safe to reveal the truth about the difficulties we’re facing at home, because that would somehow show weakness to admit how exhausted and overwhelmed we actually are.
We’re supposed to just be able to “handle it,” keep our shit together and power through. Whether we have to leave for work in five minutes or not.
So we keep it to ourselves and just plod on.
This, my friends, is a form of denial, and it backfires. Always.
So, instead of putting on a stiff upper lip, creating some elaborate coverup scheme so no one will find out about the difficulties in our home, or suffering in silence about our exhaustion, try this:
- What if we agreed to normalize the struggle of raising a brash, big-mouthed, boisterous kiddo by being vocal about it? It’s amazing what happens when we let go of the fear of being seen as weak failures. If we’re courageous enough to talk about our troubles, they A) can potentially disappear, and B) we discover we’re not alone. Not by a long shot!
- Don’t pretend nothing is hard just to keep a good face, and don’t stick your head in the sand pretending it’ll resolve itself. It won’t.
- Ask questions or request input from teachers and other child development experts. Engage in mom groups online, share your feelings with other parents at the playground. And always, always do what you can to offer compassion, empathy or a helping hand if you see another family in a similar situation as you’re grappling with.
- Share your story: the pain, the triumphs, the heartache, all of it. Write a blog, record a podcast, social post about the ups and downs of parenting IRL. And screw whatever the Judgey McJudgersons have to say about your bold truths. They’re lying if they claim their home lives and kids are drama-free.
- Please remember: suppressed sadness, shame, anger or grief, no matter what these emotions come from, can result in physiological problems down the line. You don’t need health issues; you need to stay strong! So talk this over with a doctor, therapist, your partner or some other trusted confidant. (Even if that confidant is just the voice note recorder on your phone; it still counts if you can say it out loud and get the grief off your chest!)
3. Consulting Dr. Google
It usually happens late at night, after the kids have gone to bed and we’re on edge from another bedtime struggle.
That’s when we start doom-scrolling about what could be “wrong with” our spirited child. Or what sort of “problem” we might be able to dig up that encapsulates their complexities.
Or what symptoms we can identify that other parents, some online magazine or WebMD have laid out and which point to some solvable “issue.”
We feel compelled to find some label for our child, because that might help us make logical sense of their erratic behavior. Whether it might be accurate or not.
And we think to ourselves, maybe we can present our web findings about this-or-that label to a doctor as something they could “fix,” in case our kid needs to be formally “diagnosed.”
This is a rabbit hole I wish parents wouldn’t go down. It’s limiting, scary, fraught with paranoia and false assumptions, can uncover all kinds of disinformation, “pop” science and conspiracy theories, and is just not a good use of their time or technology.
Plus, doom-scrolling at night interferes with our sleep, which we all need desperately, so that we can think clearly and stay calm for our baboos tomorrow.
So, instead, I wish worried parents would stay away from Google-diagnosing and try something like this:
- Find a good therapist, by all means. Outside support for both you and your child is extremely valuable.
- Read Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s books and get on her email list.
- Soak up every bit of Dr. Gabor Mate’s wisdom that you can!
- Follow Dr. Shefali and the explosion of conscious parenting IG accounts like @BigLittleFeelings
- Take a look at your child’s Human Design chart, book a session with me to have it analyzed, or start learning for yourself what all those shapes, lines, numbers and symbols mean.
Remember: Our Human Design charts represent the unique combination of energetic traits and innate superpowers each of us was born with.
We have the choice whether to acknowledge that or not, and whether to try experimenting with it or not.
But using it as a lens through which to view our children’s behaviors, I believe, makes it simple to see a clear snapshot of WHY they express themselves in the ways that they do.
Does your child have Gate 21, the Gate of Control, defined in their chart? Learn about it here!
Even better, it offers practical strategies and actionable tools for HOW to best support each of our children, uniquely, as separate individuals — because we all know by now that no parenting advice is one-size-fits all.
Guiding each child to embrace their unique, innate powers lets them grow up proud to embody these gifts.
Does your child have Gate 15, the Gate of Extremes, defined in their chart? Learn about it here!
Which, in my view, is a whole lot better than having to grow up shaming themselves for being “difficult” (which they learn as we show our frustration with them), or hiding their power because they learned they’re “too much” for people.
If you’re making any of these 3 common mistakes as you navigate raising your spirited child and you want some help to stop making them so you can guide your child to embodying their true gifts, I’m here to help!
Email me at ellsworthjaneen@gmail.com to get started.
And don’t forget, if you’re in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, area, don’t miss my upcoming workshop, Understanding Your Spirited Child with Human Design, at So Me Loft in Hampton, on Sunday, April 16th, 12:30-2pm! Register via Eventbrite to save your spot. Hope to see you there!
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