Find out what the first three places I look in a child’s Human Design chart are to answer this common parenting question.

Today I’m sharing some (just some!) of the many reasons for a child’s defiant behavior, from the standpoint of their energetics.

I hope this little twirl through some of the big, bold energies in Human Design is helpful, and that you’ll check out the video that explains it all.

It’s my goal to offer exhausted moms, dads, grands and guardians a little glimmer of clarity, hope, relief, and understanding about why kids can defy us so.

Plus, I know you’ll also start to grow oodles of compassion for these immensely powerful beings you are raising!

Heck, I used to be one of these snot-nosed brats. Despite the mischief I caused, I was also grotesquely misunderstood by the adults in my life.

So I get how these kids feel. And I promise you: they are not destined for the state pen.

They may have a whole lotta sass, a big dose of fight, and be somehow turning your hair gray by the second, but trust me when I tell you they have superpowers beyond your imagination.

But first: let’s be realistic.

Kids are stubborn for all kinds of reasons.

And they show it in a million different ways.

Parent to parent, household to household, kid to kid, I can’t even begin to fathom all the different reasons for stubbornness that exist, but I do know that a Human Design chart is a great place to start looking if you want answers and a game plan for how to handle it.

Still, consider how your household operates, and what rules your stubborn kiddo can’t seem to stop breaking or pushing back on you about.

Perhaps their list of to-do’s at home are, in fact, too strict for the kid’s age or is too overwhelming for the amount of homework they have to complete and the long list of after-school activities they’re signed up for.

Perhaps there’s a history of fuzzy boundaries in your family, and the kid always manages to figure out how to widen or circumvent them (which isn’t hard to do, given they’re fuzzy to begin with).

They refuse to put their shoes on, for no apparent reason, even after the 15th time you’ve asked them, and that makes them late for school every day.

They sass back and guffaw when you remind them it’s their turn to unload the dishwasher.

You’ve had so many doors slammed in your face, you’re ready to tear the one at their bedroom right off its hinges.

You wonder if your kid has put the phrase “You just don’t understand” on a recorded, looping voice note, as that’s 90 percent of what you hear from them when they actually do decide to grace you with their presence.

Family dinners typically end in disaster; with either the parent or the child (or both) screaming, somebody spilling the peas, and/or one of you knocking a chair over as you storm off in rage.

They defy your sensible (and very liberal–if you do say so yourself) curfew, and don’t get home until two hours of you watching late-night shows and biting your nails has gone by.

They sneak Mr. Beast video-binges by circumventing your already-gracious screen-time limits.

Or they ignore your prompts to clean up their room, even after being reminded Kamala Harris is totes coming over to crash for the weekend.

Sound familiar?

Usually, despite kids being so strong-willed, stubborn, sassy and spirited, they’re not actually trying to drive their parents bananas.

Consider the energy that’s surging through their little (or not so little) bodies, which may be driving them to assert their power, defy your requests, disregard rules or otherwise toss a big ol’ middle finger at you, their teachers and anyone else who dares get in their way.

My latest video on YouTube shares three of the most common sources of stubbornness in people, and the spots I look to first when I’m answering this question for parents, using Human Design as my lens.

Check it out or keep reading for the too-long/didn’t-listen version!

A Motorized Throat

A person with a motorized Throat Center is an expressive, communicative powerhouse.

A child who has one, however, can oftentimes be a real force for moms and dads to reckon with.

Why? The Throat Center is our center for communication and expression.

Whenever it is “motorized,” that means it’s receiving power directly from one of what, in Human Design, are called, the 4 Motor Centers:

• The Sacral
• The Emotional Solar Plexus
• The Heart
• The Root

Those are circled below:

You can see in the chart above that there’s a fully connected channel connecting the Emotional Solar Plexus (the triangle on the far right) to the Throat Center (at the neck). Here, the two centers are connected via the 12-22 Channel of Openness.

That means, in this person, their Throat, or communication center, is being fueled by a ton of power that’s coming from their emotions: in particular, for creating art, literature, dance, poetry, romance, beauty or some other form of performance.

If you or your child has a Motorized Throat, the specific way it’s connected, as in, which Channels and Gates are involved, does matter. But for now, we’ll keep things general.

Regardless of which Gates and Channels are the conduits of this motorized energy, once a good burst of power is driven to the Throat from a Motor, that energy is going to need to get expressed outward. Offloaded. Unleashed!

It’s got to come out, one way or another. How we do that, and before which audience, is where the need for finesse comes in. And finessing this comes from following our Strategy and Authority. But that’s for another post.

The Throat, after all, is the center for manifestation, in Human Design. Not like the “I’m going to envision a pair of Converse platform sneakers and believe they will magically appear in a Zappos box on my porch tomorrow” kind of manifestation.

I’m talking about your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill kind of ‘bringing a thought, feeling or idea into reality’ kind of manifestation.

In kids, manifestation can look like a big surge of excitement about starting something new, enthusiasm about undertaking a deliciously creative project (time to get to Michael’s and replenish your glitter collection!), excessive talking about what’s (temporarily) lighting them up, and…sometimes?

Stubbornness.

Motorized Throat energy can tend to come off in some people, especially in children who haven’t been deeply conditioned yet, as mouthy, sassy, commanding, proclaiming, insistent, and/or unfiltered speech.

It’s bold, imposing, sometimes provocative, and potentially even triggering for some innocent onlookers.

Some people just simply don’t know what to do with a kid who’s receiving a surge to manifest.

Adults, especially, can be taken aback by the way these kids seem to exert their own self-importance. By how they claim their dominance over a situation. By how they assume their idea is a good one and ought to be followed by all!

Even their peers can furrow a brow at a kid who’s trying to create some weird invention. That’s because the kid trying to manifest it presumes everyone else will be just as excited as they are, that they’ll just ‘get it’ and hop onboard to help build this never-before-seen-or-heard-of vision.

But people don’t always take a Motorized Throat’s proclamations, visionary inventions or assumption of dominance so well.

Which means these kids are prone to being hugely misunderstood, and oftentimes rejected.

Everyone, regardless of their Human Design, knows that being misunderstood feels like crap. And being rejected for showing excitement for something you were sure was an amazing idea? Even worse.

So these kids might get mad. Resentful. Downright pissed about it. They feel burned. Humiliated. Like weirdos.

It’s worth mentioning at this point that people who have Motorized Throats are always going to be Manifestors or Manifesting Generators.

They come to earth with the cosmic DNA of ancient royalty. As humanity evolved and people organized themselves into functioning civilizations, Manifestors were the ones in charge. They initiated how things were gonna work in this or that tribe. They called the shots. And they went first.

So, a kid who gets birthed into the world carrying that kind of energetic imprint?

Watch out, mama! You may be in for quite an epic power struggle!

But you are the one in charge of your household, so it’s worth understanding where they’re coming from so you can work with them, rather than engage in a useless power struggle that is sure to get you nowhere. At least not when you’re arguing with someone who, deep down, feels like an ancient king or queen!

These powerful beings, who just so happen to be swirling with manifesting and initiating energy, are also uniquely prone to anger.

Red-faced, volcanic bursts of it. It moves in quick and dirty, too.

If it’s allowed–by parents–to actually be expressed (which it really needs to be), it will process through and out of the body just as quickly as it came on.

So, do what you gotta do, but a padded room may be in order to let some anger burn off in a safe place.

See, there’s nothing to be ashamed of when we get angry. And, as Rupert Spira says, anger that’s repressed turns into depression. And depression that’s not dealt with turns into all kinds of physiological disease like autoimmune disorders and inflammation.

So, let the anger come and go. Work with your kid to understand why it’s happening–and see if you can avoid shaming them for experiencing or showing it.

Anger is just a normal, natural part of being human, and it’s something we can learn how to feel, process through us, and express safely.

I’m a Manifestor and I flew off the handle this morning because of some dumbass app I was trying to download was giving me a hard time.

I went into a fit of rage, threw my phone at the couch and stormed out of the living room. I stomped upstairs, rattled off a few eff bombs, then returned a few minutes later as if nothing had happened — because, to me, nothing really had happened.

This was absolutely normal for me; par for the course. I felt it coming. I know that tech stupidry is one of those things that really sets me off.

And that if I didn’t let my anger release, I’d have been pissed off all day about every little thing. Which is how I used to live.

Instead, I got over myself and went on with my day (and it’s been a lovely day, truly).

But first I apologized to my kids for having caused them to witness my outburst. They shrugged. It was a nothing-burger because they knew my anger wasn’t directed at them, and by now, they also know I’m a human being.

I reminded them that sometimes I get angry, and that it’s okay for them to get angry too. And I said, “I won’t be mad at you either, even if you throw your digital device, as long as you aim for a cushion like I did.”

But put this kind of explosive reaction to something as dumb as a fussy app inside of a kid who doesn’t have self-awareness, and you may get someone who is A) terrified of themselves, and B) who’ll quickly develop a reputation around town for being one stubborn, nasty jerk.

Which is something we Mani-types have just got to learn to live with, that we’ve got to own up to, and that we’ve got to work on, so that we don’t alienate ourselves, frighten our children, or wreck our relationships.

Word to the wise, just sayin’.

Find out if your child has a Motorized Throat by pulling their chart here.

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A Defined Heart Center

People with a Defined Heart, or Ego, Center are driven by sheer will. They’re motivated by their sense of self-worth, and they’re here to express their value.

They have a real tribal energy about them: eager to protect and serve their people. Like Braveheart, they are courageous and willing to step out in front of others for the betterment, protection, or advancement of their community.

As such, Defined Hearts, in particular those whose Authority is Egoic (or Heart-centered), go first. They have to. They’re testing the waters to see what’s safe (or not) for those lining up behind them.

They can feel, energetically-speaking, accountable for others, thus ensuring the situation is safe up ahead by volunteering to scout things out themselves first, before the villagers follow.

But for unsuspecting onlookers, their acts of heroic me-first-isms may come off as selfishness, ego-centrism, bossiness or a sort of ‘one-two-three-back-to-me’ personality trait.

Consider looking at their Human Design chart to see if the energy of a Defined Heart is what’s actually driving them to be willful, intense, insistent upon going first, commanding to do things their way, or being unrelenting over how things get done.

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Individual Circuitry

You’ll excuse my shaky hand in the highlighted portions of the below chart. What’s shown in light-blue is what’s called the Individual Knowing Circuit in Human Design.

It’s a collection of powerful energies that are characterized by tons of individuality, gobs of uniqueness, and lots of innate ‘knowing.’

The more definition (full Channels or defined Gates) a person has in this Individual circuit, the more they ‘just know stuff,’ even though they’re not really sure why or how they know stuff.

They’re on their own, individual path in life. Which means that what you, or I, their friends or their parents are trying to achieve is of absolutely no concern to them.

They’re here to find their own way. To do their own thing. To fly their freak flag, however much purple hair dye that may entail.

A child with lots of Individual Knowing circuitry will then be one who’s very individualistic. Who desires — in fact, who needs — to follow their own way. To chart their unique path. To undergo transformations in order for they, themselves, to discover, embrace, and love the hell out of their own, weird authenticity.

When they can do that, they show the rest of us how to be brave. How to boldly show up as our real selves, too.

Unfortunately, however, a lot of parents don’t have time, tolerance, or patience for a kid who’s here to act like a perpetual three-nager, always insisting they do it “by all myself,” like my daughter used to say (about everything).

This leaves kids with lots of Individualism (as opposed to Tribal/good-for-the-family energy, or Collective/good-for-the world energy), prone to sadness, self-hatred, and depression.

They can experience a ton of opposition after attempting to express their weird, unique selves; from teachers, peers, and even parents.

So they can then begin to feel like rejects. Weirdos. They can fill with shame after showing off their full authenticity to the dismay of others.

(It doesn’t take more than one day in middle school to realize that the kids who stand out from the crowd become targets for aggression, bullying, becoming laughingstocks or getting ostracized.)

Thankfully the kids these days seem a lot more tolerant than they did when I was in junior high. There’s certainly a whole lot more of an embrace and acceptance for all walks of life in the public eye. So let’s hope humanity is evolving to be done shunning these change-makers once and for all, and to to instead support everyone who wants to live life according to whatever feels right for them.

Let’s let these unique individuals express themselves however they must. Celebrate variation. Embrace their bold, creative weirdness. And teach kids to love every glorious bit of their beautiful individuality.

For, without them, the rest of us are just a bunch of sheep standing in a field, waiting to be told what to do. How boring!